So, I filled out the paper work and put it in the envelope. I went down tot he ATM and withdrew the tuition deposit from savings. I went to Amscot and got an international money order with the withdrawal and put the whole shebang aside for two days getting used to the fact that I'd be here for another year...
Like the resounding hum of a Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross beat...something nagged at me about this, I came to feel cheated like I had signed my life away, something did not feel kosher.
I talked it out mentally and with others and came to a stark conclusion. I'm afraid of a year. I am terrified at the prospect of another twelve months, of getting settled in to something too permanent. But I can't go now, either.
So after hours of mental agony, weighing pros and cons, stuffing that envelope, and getting as close as I can to mailing my response, I changed my mind.
I unpacked the letter, daintily scribbled over the "X"on the "Fall 2013" box and remarked its sister, "Spring 2013."
After three weeks, I feel at peace with this decision because I have enough time to sort everything out and make a little money, and get everything done, but it's not enough time to get invested, again. Now where's that temp services number? I've only got seven months...
So with a lot of reflection, I think I have decided to defer my acceptance into Columbia. Lack of resources for an entire relocation within 3 months is the biggest reason, but there are also a number of things that I feel I need to do or wrap up here before jumping into the next chapter of my life in New York.
It was a very personal decision and I would like to thank John for words and experience that reinforced my first instinct.
With a plan coming into shape about what I want to accomplish over the next year, I don't intend to be lazy, far from it. There is a list (isn't there always?). Most of the reasons were in the last post.
So yeah, here's to a year of amazing things getting done.
So, I'm now struck with an extreme dilemma. Here I am in the midst of Storybook invitations and Final grades which are about as stellar as you would expect, with all the extracurricular stuff I had going on. I'm hedging bets and emailing professors. One about a specific grade on a paper I believe I should have gotten an A on...had I actually understood the topic. The other two are entire class grades. One I am 9 points off an A, out of 530pts officially, and the second will be something mathematically close to 17 out of 1000pts off an A, which hasn't been posted yet. In both instances, I feel I have an A's worth of understanding and with all the extra stuff I had going on an A's worth impressive short scheduled writing feats.
I wrestled with deciding if I should approach both professors and when I saw the B post for the 9/530 class I plucked up the courage to actually write the professor, something I find myself too exhausted to do with the 17/1000 professor.
The second thing I'm wrestling with is the deferment. On one hand going this fall equates to going with no money, no connections, exhausted and jumping into toughest work load ever with "new pond" syndrome. It also means getting on with life/Getting to work on my bachelors, staying on my game academically. Staying presents a slew of pros like being able to volunteer for the presidential campaign, save up money, learn
to take care of my body after years of taking care of my brain/get fit,
ability to strengthen connections, get back in to regional acting work, but it would probably mean putting off the bachelors by another year, and working at a non-theatre day job. I think these are all valid reasons, but I also feel my judgement is clouded. It's been nearly three weeks since I got my decision, and while a huge part of me wants Columbia right now, pragmatically I'm so not convinced it's the right thing to do right now.