Tuesday, February 1, 2011

#%#^ Issues

  So, I've recently exposed myself as a harlot, a jezebel, an criminal.  My crime, you ask? I fell for someone I wasn't with and he reciprocated.

 I revealed the truth to my boyfriend of 4 years and he reacted with out much surprise, he had known I was very close with the person in particular, as friend; we spent quite a lot of time together.  Then, the person in question went on a trip to Korea over the holidays.  He stayed with what I was assured was his ex, that he had tried to get out of it because shes a miserable shrew, but that getting a hotel for himself would blow his budget.  I didn't feel good about it but, who was I start making demands, as we'd only been together for a barely a month and our relationship was never truly defined as exclusive.  He went, and I missed him profusely, and old feelings and close proximity led to a fanning of the romantic flame for he and his.

  We were extremely connected and I felt the change 7000 miles away with out him saying a word.  I just kept being supportive about him enjoying the travel experience, while he regaled me with tales of fighting at DisneySea, splitting and  meeting back up at the gate at the end of the day, her making comparisons to an ex-boyfriend of hers, and crying after a apathetic round of sex.  When he finally returned, I felt the rift, it was days before we talked or saw each other.  I got up the courage to ask for a ride home, I did after all have a Christmas gift to exchange with him.  The next 2 weeks were strange, there was little conversation and it seemed to have lost the flow there had been just weeks before; he was pulling away.  Eventually he told me that since he's been back he's felt homesick and actually misses Seoul more than he enjoys being home and that regardless of the girlfriend being there, he wishes he was.  He explained that he needs space and time to be alone and figure himself out and figure out what he wants; he encouraged me to do the same when I go to New York.  When I pressed him about giving up us and the happiness that went with it, he stressed strong reservations about me leaving in a year for NY.  He said he didn't want to get close to someone who's leaving and set him self up to be hurt the way he was with the the (ex)gf in Korea.  That it was all very complicated because he had strong feelings for some parts of his relationship with her and feelings for me at the same time.

  Again, after only 2 months of being semi-together, this revelation hurt like hell, but it felt fair.  Which makes thing very complicated for me, because I have to let go of someone I don't want to for right now in the hopes maybe I'll be picked.  This is where my uber-fem-bitch-logic kicks in and screams: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! DROP HIS ASS! NO MAN IS WORTH THE WAIT AND SEE BULLSHIT! WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!"

  So, I'm taking a break. I'm a simple girl when it comes to relationships, if I'm not having fun, if there's too much drama I'm extremely inclined to walk away.  I don't like to play games, and right now, all the sweet memories and sensations and promising things said, have an aftertaste of being "He really meant it! No, I'm being played. He will choose you eventually he just needs time. Run."
I know, a big part of me wants to not give him the benefit of doubt, but then I think: why does he need space from me and not any of his other friends? Why would he do that if he didn’t feel he was getting to close to something real with me?  He’s not one to lie, he’s not that good an actor and as much stuff as I know about him (his mom abandoning him and sibs when he was little, his stepdads suicide, his childhood friend going to prison, ect.) It feels so much more substantial that a 2 month fling.
  So anyway my point is that I've been extremely unfocused on school, and this has been dangerous.  I've let things lax, lost interest.  My heart hasn't been in it because it's been busy with the relatively inane.  I've become depressed and confused and thus have not been able to effectively deal with or care about what's important.

 This is not acceptable.

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